Shepherd's Anatomy
by Fionna158
Summary: Life and death. Love and tragedy. Then it hits you. What if Meredith died during the shooting? How would Derek's life be different? Come join Derek's journey through his many troubles after Meredith's death. This is a version where Derek doesn't die in season 11.
1. End of the World: Part One

**Author's Note: Hello! This is my first Grey's Anatomy fanfic and I may get some things wrong by accident. Please warn me if I make the characters not like themselves because I love this show and I do not want to ruin any of these characters. This entire story will be about life with Derek Shepherd but with a twist. I may do more then his perspective like the show because it might be more fun or would you like to only see his perspective? Anyways, let's get this show on the road!**

 **Chapter 1**

 **End of the World: Part One**

Life. Death. Hate. Love. It's all apart of us. We live and we love. We live and we hate. We die after experiencing love. We die after experiencing hate. When you die, everyone who loves you will mourn you. The world stops spinning for you, but would their world stop spinning? That is the question. The world stopped spinning for me on May 20th, 2010. Why did my world stop? Like I said, the world stops for you when you die. But I didn't die. I just feel like I died on that day. On that terrible day my wife, Meredith Grey, died.

 **May 20th, 2010**

PREGNANT. Meredith stared at the pregnancy test in her hand. She was excited yet scared at the same time but she knew what she had to do. Meredith stuffed the pregnancy test in her coat's pocket. Meredith was going to tell Derek but she wanted to tell Christina first. She needed her person for this. Meredith stepped into the elevator and sighed when the elevator doors closed. She was pregnant. Meredith couldn't help but smile. Meredith and Derek didn't plan this pregnancy. It just happened. Meredith stared at the elevator doors as the elevator went down. She was thinking how she was going to tell Derek. Of course with Christina, she was going speak like they usually do. Meredith needed to let out the news and Christina is her person.

When the elevator doors opened, Meredith got out. She began walking towards the hallway where her and the others usually hang out when they have time. Meredith knew Christina would be there. Christina would be there because she would need rest by then. Meredith turned to the hallway and walked straight towards Christina. She was sitting on one of the hospital beds. Meredith breathed in and out. She then walked towards Christina, ready to tell her the news.

"No way." Christina said. Her voice was full of surprise. Of course it was. Christina wasn't expecting to hear this from Meredith today.

"Yeah." Meredith replied. She looked at Christina in a way Christina would know she was telling the truth.

"No freakin' way!" Christina said, loudly. Her voiced echoed a bit, but no one was around to hear other then Christina and Meredith.

"Right?" Meredith said, agreeing with Christina because she couldn't believe she was pregnant too.

"Oh my God. O-okay. Um... Were you trying to ge.." Christina responded but Meredith cut off saying, "No! Total accident. I used the thing!"

"Oh, so are we happy about this or are we exercising our legal right to choose?" Christina said causing Meredith to sigh. Christina then laughed, happily. "Congratulations!" Christina said as she hugged Meredith but then a question came into her mind. "Are you going to tell him? Have you told him?"

Meredith replied, "No I just found out." Just as they were about to speak about it again, their pagers beeping. Teddy was paging Christina while Derek was paging Meredith. Meredith decided with that she was going to tell Derek. They both went their separate ways before agreeing with each other that the baby gets Derek's hair.

Meredith, happily, went into the elevator where a man was already in. Meredith didn't recognize him and thought nothing of it. Meredith took out the pregnancy test from her pocket again. She still couldn't believe she was pregnant. Meredith knew she was going to tell Derek about the baby. She had to. Yet, Meredith felt terrified to tell Derek about the baby. The elevator ride was quiet but when Meredith took the pregnancy test out of her pocket, the man spoke.

"You're pregnant?" The man asked.

Meredith looked at the man with the brown coat. She smiled and answered, "Yeah. I'm going to tell my husband. He just paged me."

The man then looked at Meredith as she put the test back into her pocket. "My wife and I tried to have children but we weren't lucky. And now she's... gone."

Meredith looked at the man, sincerely. "I'm sorry about your wife."

The elevator doors opened and Meredith began to walk away. The man stopped the elevator from closing and he yelled towards Meredith, "Who's the lucky man?"

Meredith turned towards the man, not noticing the hidden object in his hand. "Well, um... Dr. Derek Shepherd. I'm sorry, but I have to go. He just paged me to help with a patient. I should go." Meredith turned and began walked forward. The hallway was empty since not many were there. The man got out of the elevator and began to walk began Meredith. "Miss, please turn around." Meredith turned to the man but instead of just seeing a regular man, she saw him pointing a gun at her. Meredith stopped dead in her tracks. It was like the world was slowing down, but it wasn't. Meredith was terrified. "Sir, plea..." "Gary Clark." The man interrupted her. Meredith gulped as the gun was still pointing towards her.

"Mr. Clark, please. You don't need to do this." Meredith tried not to sound like she was begging, but it didn't work. "Eye for an eye. Dr. Shepherd took my wife from me. I'll do the same but he'll feel even worse because it won't just be his wife but his child too." Gary Clark pointed the gun towards her. He was about to pull the trigger when Meredith cried out, "Please. Let me say goodbye to Derek. You got to say goodbye to your wife. Let me say goodbye to my husband." Tears spilled from Meredith's eyes. She didn't know how to get out of this situation. She knew she couldn't. Meredith needed to say goodbye.

Meredith decided to page Derek. She waited with Gary Clark but she jumped in fear every time he shot someone who tried to help her. Three nurses, two interns, and a brave patient were dead because they tried to help her. Meredith was crying but she stood her ground. She knew Derek would be here soon. As if here words were a magnet, Derek turned the corner. He was smiling. He was expecting to see his wife asking for help with a patient that may have had a head trauma while she was coming to answer his page. Instead, he was introduced to dead bodies, his terrified wife, and an angry Gary Clark." His world began to slow down as Meredith was facing towards him as Gary Clark pointed the gun at her.

"You know. I came here to kill you, Dr. Webber, and Dr. Grey. But I got me a good surprise here when I got on the same elevator with your wife. I took some time to know her when I notice her name is Grey like that other Dr. Grey. Lucky day. So maybe instead of killing you and the others, I will make you suffer like I did." Gary Clark said, cocking the gun at Meredith. Meredith let out a whimper of fear. She was terrified but she need to say goodbye to Derek. Derek held up his hand towards Gary Clark. He was trying to be calm but was horrified inside. "Mr. Clark, you do not need to do this. Put the gun down." Gary didn't listen. He kept pointing the gun at Meredith. "Say your goodbye to him before I change my mind." Meredith nodded with tearing spilling out.

"Derek, I love you. I know you know that but I need to say it if today's my last day to live. Okay? I love you. So please when I die and you live, find someone else to love. I want you to be happy. I'll be waiting for you. I will always wait for you." Meredith gulped as she said that. Tears came from Derek's eyes now and he began to beg. "Please. Please. Do not kill her. I am begging you. Please!" Gary stopped for a second and then the world began to slow down for Derek. Bang. Bang. Bang. Gary Clark shot Meredith three time in her abdomen. Meredith fell forward towards Derek. A loud scream was heard. At first Derek thought it was another patient, doctor, or person. Then he notice it was himself. He rushed towards Meredith and began putting pressure on Meredith's abdomen. "NO! NO! Bastard!" Derek began crying more as he kept putting pressure on Meredith's abdomen. Derek wanted so badly to go and kill Gary Clark but he knew he couldn't. He needed to keep Meredith alive and if he did that, he would get shot. "Mer, please stay with me. I love you. Okay? I love you so much, so please stay alive." Derek said through all his tears. Gary Clark began to walk away towards the elevator. "An eye for an eye."


	2. End of the World: Part Two

**Author's Note: Hey guys! Please let me clear something up that was said in a review. No offense to the reviewer but I would like to address it.** **I love MerDer. I cried a lot when Derek died in season 11. I even cried when I saw season 12 at the mention of his name. I love Meredith but I wondered how it would be like if Meredith died instead of Derek. Just a spoiler, I don't even plan on shipping him with anyone in this fanfiction. Anyways, I just needed to clear that up. I promise I won't do that again. Sorry for those who read this story for the story. Review, favorite, and follow away! Back to it then!**

 **Chapter Two**

 **End of the World: Part Two**

The world can feel like it is slowing down for a person. It happened to me on that day when Meredith was shot in front of me. The world slowed down as I let him escape. I know people's worlds would slow down if they saw someone they loved get shot in front of them. I began to feel a little dead after seeing that. My world just stopped for a minute. I didn't want to focus on anything else at that moment. I just wanted to save her. I just wanted to save Meredith.

 **May 20th, 2010**

As Gary Clark left Meredith and Derek, Derek began to yell for help. He cried as he yelled for someone to help him. Derek couldn't leave Meredith. He needed to stop her from bleeding out. He just couldn't leave her. "I need help! I need to get her to an OR, immediately!" Derek yelled over and over. Five minutes have passed and Derek decided he need to get her there. He needed to find a gurney or something. Derek looked at his surroundings. Not much was there. There were no gurneys, no bed, no anything that could help him take her to the OR. He needed a miracle. He really needed one.

"Derek?" Derek turned around to see Owen and Teddy with a patient. Owen was the one who spoke. "Owen. I-I need your help. M-Meredith was shot in the abdomen. S-she needs surgery. Please help m-me get her to an OR." Owen looked at Teddy. Teddy nodded. "Help Shepherd. I'll get the patient out." Owen looked at Derek. "Stay calm. I'll bring a gurney so we can take her to the OR. I'll be quick. Stay calm and keep pressure on those wounds." Derek just nodded in agreement. He wasn't going to stop holding pressure. He was still crying as Teddy left with her patient.

"Meredith, if you can hear me. Stay alive. Owen is coming with a gurney to take you to the OR." Derek kissed Meredith's forehead after he said that. He didn't want to see her like this.

Minutes began to pass but for Derek it felt like forever. To Derek, Owen was taking too long. Derek thought of the worse possible reasons on why. He thought maybe Owen was shot and was bleeding out or that he was shot and he was dead on the hospital floor. Derek just kept applying pressure, hoping he was wrong about both the scenarios he thought about. Two more minutes have passed and Owen finally came back. Derek was relieved and looked to see if he brought anyone to help or something to help him stop the bleeding. Owen brought the gurney and went over to Derek. Owen handed him towels to help with the bleeding and gauze to keep the towels in place. Then Owen looked at Derek.

"Okay, once we patch her up we lift her up on the gurney. Okay? Derek, listen to me. It will be quick and we will be quick to get her to an OR." Derek nodded. Owen sighed and quickly began to patch up Meredith. Derek checked Meredith's pulse while Owen was finishing with the gauze. Her heartbeat was good. They needed a cardio-thoracic surgeon but Teddy had left the building. They needed Christina.

"Owen, we need Christina. Page her." Owen looked at Derek. He didn't want to page Christina. He loved her too much to get hurt but he knew that they couldn't do anything. He didn't want to risk Christina's life but Christina would kill him if he didn't page her. Owen nodded and paged Christina to get to OR 2. "Okay. I paged her but we need to be quick. On three, we lift Meredith up and put her on the gurney." Derek just silently agreed. "One, two, three!" The lifted up Meredith and place her on the gurney. They began to rush towards the elevator and choose the OR floor. Derek needed Meredith to live. He just needed her to live. The elevator felt like it took forever for Derek but after a minute, they made it. They raced over to OR 2. Christina and Avery were scrubbing in but she immediately stopped as she saw Meredith was the patient.

Owen didn't tell Christina it was Meredith who they were operating on. Christina felt the way she did when Meredith almost drowned. Scared. Christina knew she needed to help her best friend live. She needed too. Jackson looked over at Christina. "Christina? Christina, we need to hurry." Christina, once she finally heard Jackson, continued to do what she was doing when Owen and Derek came in to scrub in. Christina looked over at Derek when Owen began to speak. "You are not operating, Shepherd."

Derek looked over at Owen. He felt like he was going to scream. "No. You have to let me..." "No, Owen's right. You can't operate. You're shaking. I know you love Meredith will all your heart but stay here. We made Kepner go run for blood. She'll be right back and stay with you. She's broken up about the shooting too." Christina said, quickly and seriously. She was right. Derek was almost broken down like April. None of them wanted Derek to go in and watch them operate on Meredith. No one did. Derek was about to argue with them. He had to right to be with his wife. He wanted to be there with her. Before he could, April rush in with blood for Meredith.

"I was able to get the blood. Um... I saw Lexie. She was getting blood too. I was going to ask her for some help but she left with some blood before..." April stopped speaking and saw Meredith on the operating table. "Oh my God." She was about to drop the container with the blood in it but Derek grabbed it before she could. Christina, Owen, and Jackson went in. Derek brought the blood in but went back to April since they threw him out. Derek sat down next to April. April was freaking out again but not like when the shooter almost shot her. "Oh my God... Meredith... I-is she.. um.. Oh God." Derek didn't pay attention to April. He kept thinking about Meredith.

The memory of Meredith getting shot kept playing in his head. Every time he thought about it, he cried even more. They began to operate on Meredith. Owen was trying to extract the bullets from Meredith's abdomen with Jackson and Christina's help. Once they get out the bullets, Christina would work on Meredith's heart. They worked as fast as they could not noticing Gary Clark coming in the room. He pointed the gun at Christina's head. "Stop operating on her. Let. Her. Die." Christina didn't stop. She kept on going. She was determined not to let her best friend die. Jackson was helping but Owen was trying to stop Gary Clark. It was at the moment, Derek got up to see and April couldn't stop him. They both saw Gary Clark pointing the gun at Christina's head. Christina was crying. "Owen." She kept saying his name.

"That person who you are pointing at with your gun is the woman I love. I swear, if you shot her I will kill you. I will kill you!" Owen yelled. Derek came in and Gary Clark pointed at Derek for a second but then back at Christina. "Let her die. Make Dr. Shepherd feel the pain I felt when I lost my wife. An eye for an eye." Derek looked at Gary Clark. "Mr. Clark... p-please. P-put the gun down... Kill me. You don't need to anyone. Just... let them operate and kill me." Derek pleaded with him. Gary Clark shook his head no.

"No. You will experience the pain I felt. Now, stop operating!" Owen tried move towards Christina but got shot in the shoulder. "OWEN!" Christina yelled. Jackson knew Gary Clark meant business after he shot Owen. He looked at Gary Clark and then to Derek. Jackson hated that he was going to do this but he had no choice. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry but he will kill us." Jackson stopped helping Christina control the bleeding. "Jackson! We need to control the bleeding! Jackson!" Christina screamed. She couldn't do anything to stop the bleeding. Meredith's heart stopped beating. She flatlined. When Derek heard the flatline. He fell to his knees. The world slowed down and stopped for him. Tears fell from his eyes as the flatline of Meredith's heart was heard.

Gary Clark nodded and backed away from Christina. He left the room. Christina cried out. "No! No!" Derek didn't move. His world died along with Meredith. She was his world. Christina was freaking out. Her boyfriend was shot and her best friend died. What was she supposed to do? Jackson went over to help Owen with his gunshot wound. April came in and saw the flatline. "Oh God." Meredith Grey was dead.

An hour passed when authorities finally found Gary Clark. They found him with Dr. Webber. Dr. Webber wasn't injured but Gary Clark had killed himself. The authorities began asking Dr. Webber questions about what happened while others went to gather the rest of the hospital. They finally made it to OR 2. Derek was still on his knees, not moving. Jackson was sitting next to April while Christina wept onto Owen's shoulder. The authorities asked if everybody was alright. Everyone responded but Derek. That's when one cop went over to him. "Sir, are you alright?" Derek just looked over at the operating table. He was silent and Jackson answered for Derek. "Dr. Shepherd isn't injured... He... um..." Jackson went on to explain why Derek wasn't answering. Derek just stayed still looking at the operating table. His world broke.


	3. Til Death Due Us Part

**Author's Note: I'm here to explain. When Derek spoke about his world breaking and stopping, his time is at her funeral which is this chapter. So now it is present time. But do you guys just want Derek's perspective or do you want his perspective and they way I did it in the other chapters? I would also like to thank you guys for the favorites, follows, and reviews. It is my first time writing a fanfiction for this show and I'm happy you guys like it. Anyways, time to get at it!**

 **Chapter 3**

 **Til Death Due Us Part**

 **May 20th, 2010**

My world was in pieces. The woman I loved died and I felt like I died with her. I knelt there for the hour it took them to get to us. It took them five minutes to get me up off my knees and take me outside. I didn't speak as we got out of the hospital. I just couldn't speak. My world had just broke and I couldn't speak a single word. They wanted to ask me questions about how all of this happened, but I couldn't answer their questions. Every question they asked Richard answered. He answered because I just couldn't speak at all. They took me to an ambulance while Richard answered their questions. I looked around as I sat on the ambulance for them to check me out. They didn't need to because I had no physical injuries as Jackson told them, but the paramedics wanted to make sure.

When Richard finished answering why Gary Clark did this, they came over to me. They wanted to know what I know. I looked at them with a sad expression. I wasn't ready to explain what happened. I didn't want to explain how my wife got shot. I didn't want to explain how we rushed her to the OR. I didn't want to explain how Gary Clark held a gun to Christina's head. I didn't want to explain how Jackson stopped operating. I didn't want to explain how my wife died in front of me. I didn't want to explain anything to them. As they asked questions, I stayed silent. My world broke and I'm breaking. They kept repeating the same question. I needed to answer soon, but how could I answer them?

"Sir, please. Can you explain to us what happened in there? We need to know. It's very important." The police officer looked at me. He tried to pretend he knows what I'm going through but he doesn't. He didn't see his wife get shot. He didn't see his wife bleed to death and die. I knew I had to say something to them. I tried to speak but I couldn't form the words. I tried speaking again but all I could do is mumble. The officer told me to take my time. I tried again but then I broke down in tears.

"Sir, you... You don't need to speak now. We can come back after we speak with the others." After the officer said that, he and the other officer left. I kept on crying and after two minutes, a person sat next to me. It was Mark. He put his hand on my shoulder and said nothing. I stayed silent. I know that I would speak with the police later but right now, I needed a friend.

 **Present Time**

A week or so had passed and it was time for Meredith's funeral. I don't know if I could keep it together. I stare at my black suit in my trailer. Alex had told me that I could stay with him and the others but I couldn't. I'm not even sure I could even step in that house. I would break down if I did. As I thought about that, I look at the clock. It was almost time for me to leave. I quickly grab my suit and change. I was not going to be late. I want to say goodbye to her before they put her in the ground. I tied my tie and look at the clock again. I need to leave now. I grab my keys and leave.

As I make it to the funeral, I almost stayed in the car. I am not sure if I could face reality. I don't want to believe she is gone but... she is. She died. Meredith died when I was supposed to protect her. I let her down. I stare at the steering wheel. I didn't move an inch until someone knocked on the rear-view window. I looked up and saw it was Owen and Christina. They were here for the funeral, of course. Christina was Meredith's best friend and Owen was her boyfriend. I decide to get out of the car. I get out and I am faced with them. Owen is wearing a black suit like I am and Christina is wearing a medium length black dress. I don't say anything. I don't know what to say to them but Owen begins to speak.

"We can stand near you if you would like. I know this is difficult for you." I look at Owen and Christina. "Yeah. That would be nice." I say that as we look towards the cemetery.

Owen, Christina, and I walk to the funeral. We don't speak on the way. They know that I'm devastated. I believe they are afraid I would just break down and cry. I want to do that. I just want to break down and cry. I don't want to think about burying my wife. I don't want to think about her death. As we make it, I already see Mark, Lexie, and Alex. Alex was leaning on Lexie a bit because of his injury. I then see Lexie basically in tears. Meredith and her were family and I knew Lexie couldn't handle losing another. Owen, Christina, and I go near them and wait as the funeral begins.

We grab roses from Molly, Meredith's other sister. We would put them on her coffin when it was time. As the funeral begins, I see Meredith's father. He is in tears and Lexie is comforting him while she tries to stop crying. I decide to go stand with them. Tears begin to spill from my eyes. I look behind me to see if Christina is okay. Christina is not crying. She is the opposite of me, Lexie, and Mr. Grey. I look at Meredith's coffin. I take a deep breath in and then I let it out.

"Meredith Grey was a beloved daughter and friend who was taken by a terrible tragedy. She is in a better place now and is looking over us now. Let us say our goodbyes." The father says as he looks at all of us.

Mr. Grey goes first and puts a rose on Meredith's coffin. Lexie follows and places it down. "It won't be the same without you." She whispers as she places her rose down. Lexie returns and places her hand on my shoulder, motioning for me to go. I look down and go. I begin to place the rose. "I love you. I always will love you, Meredith." I place it down and go back towards Mr. Grey and Lexie. Everyone begins to place down their rose. Richard, Alex, Christina, Owen, Mark, and everyone else. They each say their goodbye to Meredith.

"Now let Meredith Grey rest in peace." The father says as he closes his book. After she is buried, we begin to leave. We were going to go to Meredith's house. I haven't been there since she died. I begin to walk towards my car when someone taps me on the shoulder. I turn around to see Alex Karev. He looks at me.

"Hey, man. Meredith has some things that I think you would like to have so... come by the house. That okay with you?" I look at Alex as I think. I sigh as I choose my answer. "I'll be there." Alex nods and begins to walk away but he says something before he leaves. "Hey, you may have not really have been married but still... I'm sorry you lost your wife." He then turns and leaves. I nod and head towards my car.

The drive wasn't very long. I park in front of the house and step out of my car. As I walk towards the house filled with people already, I stop at the front door. I feel like when I knock Meredith would be there to answer but she isn't. I knock and Alex opens the door. Alex is actually happy I came. "Come on in. Um, refreshments are in the kitchen and some food is in the living room. Also we have a little memorial for Meredith next her room if you would like to say something or leave something. It was April's idea." I nod. "I'll go and see it then."

Alex stops me before I go up. I turn to him. "I'll go up with you, Shepherd. To give you the things that she may have wanted you to have." Alex says. I sigh and nod. I had no chance of arguing with him. I don't feel like arguing with Alex so I let him come up with me. We head towards Meredith's room and Alex opens the door. Before I go in, I stare at the small memorial April set up. Two vases with flowers were on the sides. In the middle was a picture of Meredith. Surrounding her picture are pictures of her when she was younger. I wipe away the tears as Alex calls me to come in.

He has a box of things that belonged to Meredith in his hands. "Here it is. I believe something important is in here. You can in here while you look at the things. I can go downstairs." I nod. "Thank you, Karev." He looks at me. "No problem."

Alex then leaves me alone after putting the box down. When he left, I go towards the box. I sit down on Meredith's bed. I stare inside the box to see what is inside. I see pictures of Meredith and me but that's not what catches my attention. A blue sticky note catches my attention. I grab it and see it is our sticky note marriage. I read it. I remember how we said we would always love each other no matter how much we hate each other and how we would take care of each other no matter what. I then see our signatures on the bottom. Tears spill out as I begin to cry again. "Til death due us part." I say through the tears. I hold the sticky note close to my chest. Remembering when we wrote it. I miss Meredith. I miss her so much.


	4. Lost Child

**Author's Note: I'm re-watching Grey's Anatomy so it took me a while to be inspired. I really couldn't remember much after season 7. Since Meredith is dead in this story, he is not full on adrenaline or driving really fast. Oh and important question! I'm considering adding Zola into the story. Would you guys like to see that or no? Anyways, sorry for the delay. Back to the story!**

 **Chapter 4**

 **Lost Child**

Newborn. Childhood. Adolescence. Adulthood. Elderly. That is our life cycle. We are born as an infant. A curious being without being able to speak, talk, and the other functions we get as we grow older. We then grow older and begin learning those functions. We begin living our lives. Then we age more and more until we are old. It's beautiful growing old especially if you have someone with you. I lost that privilege. I lost the woman I love so I engulfed myself in my work as chief of surgery.

It's been two weeks since her funeral and I still can't operate. I've been silent during the sessions. I've only had four sessions and I've been silent in all of them. The therapist told me I couldn't operate until I speak about it. I didn't want to talk about it and he understands that I don't want to. He doesn't try to coerce me into talking. We just sit there. I want to operate but at the same time, I don't. I feel like if I do... I would see Meredith on the table and not the patient. It's been happening when I sleep. In the nightmare I am operating and when the patient codes, I begin to take off and see it's Meredith. I usually cry out and wake up from the nightmare.

I rather do paperwork in my office. I am not ready to operate. I know I'm not ready. I'm just lying down on my bed right now. I didn't get much sleep. That dream... happens every night and I just lay in bed until my alarm rings. My alarm then rings just on time. I slam the snooze button. Time for work. It's usually papers and forms but today is different than usual. That's because the police and I are having a meeting about the shooting. They are going to speak with me about who died and other things about the shooting. They are coming today because they knew I needed to grieve. What they don't get is that I will never get over the fact the Meredith died. She was the love of my life and life took her away. I'm only doing it now because the therapist said it was time for me to speak with them.

I get up and change into some clean clothes. I grab a light blue button up shirt, black pants, and my regular shoes. I don't shave. I haven't shaved since the shooting. I don't know when I will again. I quickly toast bread to take and eat in the car. I just wanted to get the day over with. The meeting was on my mind almost all the time even when I grab the toast and head out. I take a bite out of the toast as I open the car door. I didn't need to hurry. I could make it on time. I sometimes make it on time. I then drive off to work. I take bite of my toast when I drive but I still keep my eyes on the road. It took me some time to make it to the hospital. I pull up and park in my parking space.

As I walk in the hospital, I immediately know that I have to go to my office. I need to fill out some paperwork before the meeting. Nurses and doctors greet me as I go to my office. I greet them back and I try to stay happy. I walk towards my office and I notice Mark is in my office waiting for me to arrive. He must be worried about me. I haven't spoken to him since Meredith's funeral. I open the door and Mark turns towards me. He's in his scrubs. Mark must have come to work early.

"Good morning chief." Mark then took a sip of his coffee before looking at me. I look over at him and hang up my coat. "What do you need, Mark?" Mark usually comes in to talk about something he needs or about his love life or his regular life. I don't want to hear any of that right now. Mark walks toward me. "I just wanted to see if you were okay. You know with the meeting and all. I care about your well being, Derek." I sigh as Mark says that. We are like family and we worry about each other. "I'm okay. I'll be able to handle it." Mark nods. He wants to pry more but he doesn't. "Okay. Just checking. Just come to me if you aren't. I'm here for you." Mark then heads out the door, coffee in his hand. The door slowly shuts and I go to my chair and sit. I put my hands on my face.

Today is going to be a hard day and I know it. I put my hands on my desk. The paper work surrounds me and I just shake my head. I know this is going to take long, but the meeting is in thirty minutes and I need to do something in the mean time. I then begin my paperwork. It is mostly about things the hospital needs and other things about the hospital. I go through each paper and read it carefully. Sometimes during the middle of the paper, I lose track of my place and I have to find it again. The meeting is messing me up. I keep thinking about that day. I then shake my head and go back to the paperwork. I sign a few papers that I agree with before the meeting.

I'm halfway done through all the paper work when someone knocks on my office door. I look up at the door. "Come in." The hospital's lawyer came in. I was at first surprised she was here but then I remembered, she had to be. She wanted to make sure that I wouldn't go and blame the hospital. The board has been on me since my breakdown about Meredith's death. I don't blame them. I blame myself. "Dr. Shepherd, the meeting is about to begin." I look at the clock. Time does fly when you work. I nod and get up. We head towards the conference room where a few officers are.

I go in first and the lawyer follows behind me. The head officer stand up and hold out his hand. I shake his hand and smile as a curtsy. I was supposed to smile. The lawyer told me to do that to the head officer and then go straight faced. I do as I was told to do. We all sit down on the conference room chairs. The meeting is beginning. The officers first say that they give their condolences about the lives lost here on that day. The show no expression when they say it. I guess they really just want to get this meeting over with.

"Dr. Shepherd, can you tell us why Gary Clark decided to murder all those people?" I sigh and look at the head officer. "Mr. Clark came here to kill Dr. Grey, Dr. Webber, and me because Dr. Webber operated on his wife, I decided to unplug her, and Dr. Grey was the one who took her off the machines keeping her alive." I show no sadness. I didn't want to relive that day but I know it will get to me soon. "Okay. Now we are going to show you pictures of people who we discovered dead. We will describe them as well. If it becomes too much, we will let you take your time." I nod and they begin to show me the photos. I recognized many of them. Some I worked with but others I didn't know so well but I still was able to identify them after looking at their file. I'm afraid when we get to Meredith's photo that I would have a breakdown but also because I didn't want to be reminded of her death. I know I don't want to but it's my job and I have to do it even though I hate to do it.

"Young woman with short red hair. Shot point blank in the head." They show me the photo of her. I sigh. "Dr. Reed Adamson. She was an excellent resident. She showed promise in neuro." I look down at the photo as they take it away. She did show promise. She didn't deserve to die. "Young, tall man with black hair. Shot to the chest and bled out." They place his photo down. I shake my head and close my eyes. I reopen them and say, "Dr. Charles Percy. He... he didn't deserve to die." The officers nodded and agreed. They take back his photo and begin to explain another one. "Young, pregnant female with dirty blonde hair. Shot three times to the abdomen." I freeze as the put Meredith's photo down. I don't answer. I didn't even know she was pregnant at the time.

The officers look at me waiting for an answer. The lawyer quickly grabs my arm. "I know it's tough losing your friends but you need to identify her. She was one of your employees." I pull my arm away from her. "Dr. Shepherd, take your time. She is the last one of the dead." I look at them. I need to get this confirmed because tears are beginning to spill from my eyes. I wipe them. "Did you say she was pregnant?" The officer nods. "Yes. Yes she was. The poor thing was only five weeks along when she died." I close my eyes as tears begin to fall again. "She was my wife. Dr. Meredith Grey." The officer looks at me with concern and sorrow. "I am so sorry for the loss of your wife and child." I nod and they let me excuse myself. I walk away and go past Mark.

Mark sees that I am crying and quickly follows me. He rushes next to me. "Oh no. I knew it. I knew this meeting would bring up these emotions." I shake my head and look at Mark. "She didn't tell me. Mark, I think she was going to tell me when the shooting happened." Mark looked confused. "Tell you what? What was Meredith going to tell you?" I sniffle and wipe my tears as I still cry. "Meredith was going to tell me she was pregnant... I lost her and a child." Mark shook his head and put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm so sorry. I'm here. I'm here." I nod and hug Mark. We don't hug often but I needed to now. I really needed to hug somebody.


	5. UPDATE

**Hey guys! Sorry for not writing more of Shepherd's Anatomy for a long time. I lost ideas and I stopped binge watching it. Don't worry a new chapter will come soon. Probably soonish but I'm not sure. Again sorry for the wait.**

 **~Fionna158**


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